Im at strip club and am horny
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
