He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
