i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
