You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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