I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Randomize
