New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
