tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
