im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you had me at cake vodka
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
