I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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