we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
