if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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