Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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