Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
