Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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