Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
