Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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