he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
