Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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