You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
