We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
