On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
