soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
