I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
