Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
