I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Help. Why am I so naked?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
