my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
