My friends, they love my intelligence
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
