i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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