Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
