i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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