The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
