I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
