I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
