I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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