if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
