saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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