I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
