it was like eating out sand paper
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
