I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
soo... how was my night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
