1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
