If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
