Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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