How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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