Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
