yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
