Where is the hickey?
the condom got lost in my hair
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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