I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
