her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
