Non-Jews are for practice
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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