he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
